How to Be Your Own Matchmaker

Here’s an article that I wrote and was published in the Vancouver Sun and the Victoria Times Colonist:

 You’re single, profiled on multiple Internet dating sites and still you’re facing the prospect of another month without a successful date or relationship. You can always hire a professional matchmaker like me to find you your soul-mate, but with a little work and a little knowledge there’s no reason you can’t be your own matchmaker. As a professional matchmaker I’ve learned a lot about finding, interviewing and matching the right people for long and satisfying relationships. The biggest secret to finding the right mate is the ability to be proactive.

There are basically three steps in finding a successful relationship proactively, you:

* Create a soul-mate wish list

* Get the message out to the world.

* Pick from the respondents and start dating

The first and most important step in the process is to decide what you want in a potential mate. This may seem obvious but most people have only a vague idea, if at all, of what it is they want in a mate.  Take some time and write it down, then list which qualities are negotiable and which are not.  One way to kick-start this process is to begin by making a list of all of your past relationships. Write down the role you played in each relationship, what your responsibilities were, how the relationship ended, and lessons learned. With this information, a picture will emerge of who you are and what you’re looking for in a potential mate; this list of qualities will be your Soul Mate Wish List.

When building your Soul Mate Wish List, make sure that the criteria you choose for your potential mate are reasonable:

* Unreasonable expectations include: non negotiable requirements of physical
appearance; you refuse to date someone unless they have a certain amount of
money; the insistence that your potential mate share all of your interests or
that they live a short distance away.

* Reasonable expectations include: some sort of spark between the two of you,
you want someone who finds you amusing and exciting, you want someone that
shares both your basic view of the world and a willingness to be in a long term
relationship.

Now that you have your Soul Mate Wish List, you need to get it out in the world. You do this by utilizing your existing network of family friends and co-workers.  Write a short note telling your personal network (friends, family, workmates,etc.) what you intend to do, i.e. “I’m single and I’m actively searching out a new relationship” and include your Soul Mate Wish List, then email everyone in your address book, post your soul-mate wish list on Facebook, or Twitter.

Ask your network to read your Soul Mate Wish List carefully and ask them to get back to you if they know anyone that fits your wish-list and then ask them to forward your email to their network of family and friends and so on.

Another way of getting your message out to the world is to place and ad in the local paper. Costs can range anywhere from fifty dollars for an ad in the personal section, to a thousand dollars or more for a stand alone ad in the front section of a newspaper. A thousand dollar ad shows that you mean business, and who knows the papers or radio and TV may pick up the story.  The secret to writing a compelling ad copy is honesty. State your intention in the first line of the ad, go on to describe yourself, describe what you are looking for in a mate, and end it with a call for action statement. Check out the Private Partner Search <https://matchmakerforhire.comservices/private-search-services/>  section of  my website for examples.

You’ve written a Soul Mate Wish List, told the world of your intentions; the replies start to come in, now it’s time to pick who you’ll go on a date with.

  • One of the big lessons I’ve have learned over the years is to never make a decision on a  picture of a potential match.
    I have numerous examples in my work of couples that would never have met the people they are married to today if they had followed their first instincts and not met because they saw each other’s pictures. The truth is 99 percent of us take a less than flattering picture.
  • Don’t discount a potential partner because of their phone manner; I always insist that the people I match meet each other, even if their initial contact on the telephone did not go well.
  • Don’t start an online email or chat type relationship. It can be a huge waste of time. You tend to project your needs much more in an online relationship and when you finally meet your dream forever partner you find that without the mystery of the online component there is absolutely no spark, no chemistry and a huge emotional investment just went down the drain.
  • Do meet the with your potential soul mates after a quick phone call, after all the only way you can gage the chemistry factor is face to face.

 

Now for the fun part, get out there and start dating. There is no secret in finding the right partner (I do it every day); persistence, and the ability to be proactive are all you’ll need to narrow the search, fulfill your Soul Mate Wish List and meet that someone special.

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Finding Love in a Widow’s Jungle

Here’s an article titled “Finding Love in a  Widow’s Jungle” that originally appeared in the Vancouver Sun and Victoria Times Colonist back in 2004. I just recently touched base with Sheila and she and Merv’s relationship is still going strong, She’s 82 now it feels great to know that I was part of making the past 11 years of her life happy and fulfilling.

In Arizona, seated in her comfortable living room at her winter residence, Sheila is on the phone to a radio station fielding questions about her two extremely happy marriages. The stylish and beautiful 71 year old is currently experiencing her second long term relationship set up with the help of a matchmaking service.” I was on a honeymoon for 11 years” she tells her hometown radio station’s host on his morning show on Valentine’s Day “he was the best thing that ever happened to me”.

Sadly the honeymoon ended with her second husband’s death due to cancer.

Rather than wasting precious time, Sheila went back to what had worked so wonderfully in the past -she hired a matchmaking service.  When first widowed, Sheila went the usual route entertaining perspective suitors from her church group and tennis club.  “When I returned to the dating scene I felt like I was in some sort of widow’s jungle. It wasn’t that I had a shortage of dates; it’s just that I realized that I couldn’t pick the right man; I kept falling for the wrong ones. I had always been a professional woman, so I thought I would hire a professional and let them do the job for me”.

In 2001 Jane Carstens had just moved to Vancouver to open the West Coast branch of a professional matchmaking service. From her office in downtown Vancouver Jane was there to answer Sheila’s phone call; they arranged a meeting in Sheila’s home. “I handle the entire west coast, and I’m on the road a lot through out the lower mainland, the interior, and I usually spend a least one day every week interviewing clients in Victoria and Vancouver Island.

“What makes me so unique is that I’ve meet all of my members in the comfort and privacy of their own homes. When I go to someone’s home I really get a sense of who they are.” says Carstens,  “They feel more relaxed and open in familiar surroundings. Together we go over a detailed questionnaire, I get a clear picture of my client, their lifestyle, and what they are looking for in a partner. I used all this information when I matched Sheila.”

Sheila was impressed with Jane’s no nonsense business like approach agreed to work with her. Jane went back to her Vancouver office, and, armed with the Sheila’s detailed bio she searched her client base and came up with three prospective matches.  Sheila met the first two gentlemen and although they had much in common, there wasn’t the magic Sheila was searching for. “I can qualify a lot, and match similar lifestyles and interests,” says Jane “but chemistry is something that either happens or it doesn’t”.

Chemistry hit on the third date. Sheila: “ The most important part of Merv and my first meeting is that we found out we could communicate on exactly the same level. We took it slow, but after the second or third week we knew we were on to something.”

That first date was back in August of 2002. Merv and Sheila exchanged vows at a wedding blessing at their church in front of a happy gathering of friends and family March 16 2004.

“I am very keen on this approach,” says Sheila in response to Phil’s final question of his radio program, “I highly recommend using the services of a matchmaker, it has worked beautifully for me in the past, has made me very, very happy and I have advised many single friends to go that route.”

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Live Longer? Get Married.

Here is an edited excerpt from an article  which was published in the Victoria Times Colonist in 2009:

You say you want to live longer? Easy, forget the gym the vitamins and the vegan diet, just get married. Studies have shown that people in long term relationships and especially those in traditional marriages live on average 10 years longer than their never married, divorced or widowed counterparts. Why remains somewhat of a mystery, however researchers do agree that due to the current trend of double income families, married people tend to be wealthier, receive better health care, refrain from smoking or drinking to excess, save more money and earn more social security when they retire.

All good advice, just get married and live longer, but if you’re single and currently an active participant in the dating game, it seems that all the stress and anxiety related to your quest is taking years off your life. Even a little stress, experts agree, is bad for your health. Anyone who has been single for a while can tell you there is a lot of stress involved in finding the right mate. There’s the stress of finding a date, how? Where to look?  Should you let your Aunt Zelda on your Mom’s side set you up? How about going online? That’s a  whole other set of stress factors. When you finally find a date and will there be a date number two? And if so will it translate into any kind of relationship?

There is a way of removing all this bad stress from the process of dating and veteran Matchmaker Jane Carstens has the answer. “I was searching for a way to enhance the traditional matchmaking business, kind of revamp the model, make it more current when I decided to launch my own business Matchmaker for Hire. In a nutshell, the concept is totally client focused, my clients tell me if they would like to date one of the people I recomend, my clients are also very involved in the feedback process. If they are new to dating (newly divorced, or widowed), we mentor them along providing support every step of the way”.

My overall objective in matching my clients is getting them into long term relationships quickly with the least amount of stress” says Jane “and because 60% of our first dates lead to second dates, I think that the Matchmaker For Hire concept is a great vehicle to do just that”.  So the short answer to living longer: hire a matchmaker to take the stress out of the dating process,
find your soul mate and go get married.

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