I’ve seen it over and over in hundreds of smart, high-achieving singles I speak to and yet today, I still get the same question- “How do I know if or when I’m being too hard on myself when it comes to dating?”.
In working with singles over the last 20 years, we find most are engaged in what we call “perfectionistic over functioning” – doing MORE than is healthy, appropriate, and necessary, continually moving the goalpost , trying to get an A+ in all of the aspects of dating and exhausting ourselves to the bone in the process and trying to keep up with what you think you “should” be doing. If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above , it’s safe to say you are being too hard on yourself, it’s not serving you and it’s holding you back.
Simply shifting this mindset can truly expanded your thinking. Strengthen yourself, by building strong boundaries, learn to say “yes” to what you want, and “no” to what is not tolerable or acceptable—like your lives depend on it, because they do.
Do you want help finding and attracting your right partner? Would you like advice from a 20-year matchmaker that has interviewed over thousands of singles and personally helped thousands of clients with their search of finding the right person?
I offer personal coaching services, online dating profile review, and a real “hands on” perspective.
To schedule a call contact [email protected] , I look forward to assisting you.
A Single Father in Love, Again
Single parents, Dad, or Mom, navigate “dating” again with some history under their belts.
Kids and some requirements for what’s OK and what they simply won’t ever do again. The rules are very different, and the experience gives them some distinct advantages in terms of recognizing what they don’t want and are willing to wait enthusiastically. But don’t worry, even though the single parents I speak to might have a couple of kids, and a full-time job, they still like to find time to be with someone.
There are never any hard rules, but here are a few basic points single fathers talk about;
That Long Weekend Single Feeling
There is just something about a long weekend that makes us all feel so much more relaxed than a regular weekend. The weather can be awful, or you might not be feeling great, it doesn’t matter because you got that long weekend feeling. But if you are single it can feel like an emotional wilderness where interactions are minimal, and you are at odds with one’s capable weekday self.
To counter this, it’s about keep going and look at all the positives. This guy is never in the dumps because he doesn’t have a partner. He would just love to meet someone who’s active and outdoorsy, and actually interested in him.
If you are open to meeting a really amazing guy and you are in your 30’s message us to learn more and a chance to meet him, face to face, or pass it on to your best girlfriends, no cost to you.
[email protected]
Love Isn’t a Feeling, It’s A Choice
Most singles believe that LOVE is like a light switch where something flicks on, you get an overwhelming sensation, it hits you like a bag of bricks- or cupid’s arrow. It’s when you know that you’ve found the one, right? NOT SO MUCH!
I’ve learned over the past 20 years working with singles that LOVE, in reality, is a series of choices. The choices are based on many factors, including chemistry, values, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want or need etc. Believe me, the lists are endless, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the person. Based on these factors, and the feedback I get back from the couples I set up on first dates they either choose to begin the process to LOVE or not, in that moment. Simply put, we are left with a choice. That is why it’s so difficult. Love requires you to do something. It might mean putting your everchanging, incredibly unpredictable, and extremely unstable wants and emotions aside. If love were simply an emotion, it’d do you no good.
Everyone is worthy of connection. Make it a priority to embrace connecting with others in your dating life in a healthy way. It will become another tool in your pocket for the next time around.
If you’re Skeptical, you’re Missing Out.
You miss out 100% on the chances you don’t take. Wayne Gretzky appears to be the earliest attributed source of this particular expression. It makes sense when you have a goal or a dream, but you don’t take a shot at it, you miss the opportunity to score, to win, or to get what you want.
In dating, despite what singles tell themselves, there really are endless opportunities to find love. Unfortunately , too often they’re missed. In fact, if you ask any Matchmaker today, its precisely because of such lost opportunities and missed connections with singles, that is giving cause to look back and wonder “what if”. Maybe you just don’t want to—while they have every quality you could ever want in someone, there is value in reflecting a little bit on what exactly was missing.
Moral of the story; As I write this, I regularly wonder of the potential missed connections singles are making. Plain and simple, if you’re skeptical, you’re missing out.
Take a chance—open up to possibility by making yourself available. You Never know!
Getting Matchy-Matchy
It’s a fact we tend to want to fit in with the person we are dating. Sure, we are all unique, but we want to, as a couple, look untied and as if we “fit”.
You confirm to the environment that you’re in – so it’s only natural that when you’re dating someone, even automatically without knowing – you will start to change your style even a bit so that you blend in with them. Its generally not until you look back at old photos or someone makes a comment that you will realize, they’ve actually taken place.
You’re attracted to your partner for a reason and by being in a relationship with them you’re indirectly saying, “I like the way you do things”. This isn’t restricted to just the wardrobe either. If your partner is hell bent on curling chances are you’ve given it a go yourself, or at least watched a couple of games. Same goes in the kitchen, you might be great at cooking Asian, so your partner will probably take on some of your techniques.
But by all means if it gets to the point where you have lost your sense of identity, then you have to wonder whether you are taking on theses attributes because you’re a really great couple, or because you want so desperately for the relationship to work.
After all nobody wants to date themselves, that would be boring.
Can you relate?
Everyone Makes Mistakes in Dating
How many of you can honestly say they haven’t made a few mistakes when they meet someone new? Sometimes good people make bad choices. It doesn’t mean they are bad….it means they are human. You learn from them and go on because a mistake is one thing. A pattern is another.
There are loads of reasons why getting to a 2nd date might not work out. Perhaps you’re just plain old incompatible, or you’re not sure how to avoid falling foul of these oh-so-frequent behaviours we hear from the 1st dates we set up with our clients.
We all learn from our ‘mistakes”, sometimes a very painful lesson, especially in dating.
But others judging is their “mistake”.
Do you have a story to share?
#findlove #datingadvice #datingtips #datingcoach #relationshipadvice #okcupid #dating101 #stayconnected #singlestatus #onlinedating #matchmaking #matchmakerforhire #janecarstens #matchmakervancouver #vancouvermatchmaker
How to know if/when we are being too hard on ourselves.
I’ve seen it over and over in hundreds of smart, high-achieving singles I speak to and yet today, I still get the same question- “How do I know if or when I’m being too hard on myself when it comes to dating?”.
In working with singles over the last 20 years, we find most are engaged in what we call “perfectionistic over functioning” – doing MORE than is healthy, appropriate, and necessary, continually moving the goalpost , trying to get an A+ in all of the aspects of dating and exhausting ourselves to the bone in the process and trying to keep up with what you think you “should” be doing. If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above , it’s safe to say you are being too hard on yourself, it’s not serving you and it’s holding you back.
Simply shifting this mindset can truly expanded your thinking. Strengthen yourself, by building strong boundaries, learn to say “yes” to what you want, and “no” to what is not tolerable or acceptable—like your lives depend on it, because they do.
Do you want help finding and attracting your right partner? Would you like advice from a 20-year matchmaker that has interviewed over thousands of singles and personally helped thousands of clients with their search of finding the right person?
I offer personal coaching services, online dating profile review, and a real “hands on” perspective.
To schedule a call contact [email protected] , I look forward to assisting you.
Single Dad’s ; Spring Break Alert
While Covid has been a good excuse for not meeting up with just anyone, and he’s burnt out from dating apps , yet he’s never down in the dumps because he doesn’t have a partner. He would just love to meet someone who’s active and outdoorsy, and actually interested in him.
He is an amazing single Dad, 6’ in his early 40’s, that is trying to navigate his world running a niche business in Western Canada and raising his boys. For him saving time this March Break for more fun things like snowboarding, hiking, boating, eating out and spontaneous road trips or jumping on a plane almost anywhere – so he’s hired us while he enjoys spring break.
If you are open to meeting a real old fashioned valued guy and you’re in your 30’s message us to learn more and a chance to meet him. (In an exclusive way, and at no cost to you) or pass it on to your best girlfriends.
[email protected]
Yes, it’s “Spring Break (up)” Season, Baby.
There’s really no great time to do it, unfortunately, one of those break up periods is upon us. Statistics put together from Facebook data, show 2 big spikes. One right after Valentine’s Day, but the sharpest increase by far happen in the weeks that lead up to spring break (which officially starts this week). While a March heartbreak on one hand makes sense after cuffing season, there obviously has to be an uncuffing period.
We have seen an uptick in breakups around March and have some theories. In Spring, we all get this natural boost, and we’re feeling more energetic overall. This also means we’re more aware of our partner’s more annoying patterns—like when its rainy and dark in winter—we aren’t totally checked in to what’s going on in our lives, including who we are dating. But as the days get longer, people feel more motivated to tune in and make changes. Sometimes that means kicking their lover to the curb and getting rid of the person who’s holding you back. However, if you’re the person being broken up with, that isn’t super fun. But in some ways, it’s a good time because singles who have been hibernating throughout the winter are coming out and want to go out and have fun, laughter, and experience new things.
So instead of sobbing into the sleeve of your puffer coat, you can use this time to revaluate – be open and optimistic while dreaming of good weather on a rooftop on a date with a cocktail in hand.
Be Aware of Fantasy Relationships
Like all people, we are deserving of love and connection. Here are a couple things to keep in mind for anyone wanting to avoid the so-called, real life “Tinder Swindler” while navigating the world in today’s dating.
Experiences have taught me that practiced too early on (before trust and a foundation have been established), excessive written contact between a potential partner can fuel the engine of fantasy relationships. We often fill in the missing spaces and unknowns with our own details. This can lead to feeling letdown when the in-person counterpart fails to match up to whatever idealized version our mind has concocted. For instance, in writing and on the phone, maybe you bonded over what you thought was a shared passion for dogs. But then, in person, it becomes apparent that their interest is only passing and half-hearted and that they only volunteered at a shelter once.
It’s human nature to be more likely to think the best about someone and mold them into who we want them to be rather than see them for who they really are. Do yourself a favour and know that it’s basically a fantasy story that can only backfire for us down the road.